B.T.W; Nothing

I sweat out memories, releasing the salt in my wounds –
the real wounds: the ones that go all the way back to childhood –
the ones you unpack at 34, one monday night, while soaking in a hot bath after hiking fifteen miles –
the ancient salt comes out and you see where all the fuckery in your life comes from:
from helplessly loving those who did not conceive of you as equal;
from helplesly loving parents who did not love themselves truly and wholly, who behaved as if they loathed themselves:
escaping their lack of self-esteem with alcohol and drugs, because the people who lack self-worth are the most vulnerable to addiction:
not an easy family dynamic for an HSP INFP – but a damn telling future…
I had no value in the family;
my father was already estranged from his firstborn son when I came along… so I was the young bastard John Snow in his glassy eyes: a non deserving entity – and he was the biggest asshole I ever met – could be cruel for sport, physically too, but especially mentally, emotionally… loved to play favorites – just like his dad did… made him a little Napoleon over his siblings…
yes, mine was an ugly childhood, doubly sad for a super-vulnerable-late-onset-gender-dysphoria-trans-girl;
gifted and highly sensitive…
…or did the neglect and the whole dynamic of my childhood make me sensitive –
no you stupid fucks,
I was Born This Way,
all the more vulnerable, as runts are…
so my childhood taught me to unconditionally love people who were crappy to me;
my childhood taught me I was undeserving…
my childhood taught me to think this was all normal, my fault even, for not earning their respect, their love –
and there are millions of families like mine,
and millions of basically indigo children who are as sensitive to life as the afflicted beast Grendel was to the noise of the mead hall –
and it just hurts them so much, and everyone just calls them sensitive… or maybe just ignores them even more…
well, my friends, we can not normalize this: the trumpian reality is real – the masses are fucking sick and toxic and highly insensitive: inhumane, period
and if you disagree, you think fox news is normal, period
the empathy divide is bigger than ever, it’s Star Wars big: the empire versus the resistance,
well, my fellow snowflakes, just know that I am on your side, and you will have a lifelong champion in me,
so long as I live: I will dedicate myself to you, to me,
to us –
becuause our efforts are lost on them:
they are the guys with machine guns and bulldozers,
and we’re just trying to save the trees, the planet (Avatar)
and we’ve always been the oppressed, because we are,
but I aim to change some things
because nothing else matters in life;
what is more important than protecting the animals, the vulnerable, the marginalized, the excluded, the trans kids, the planet?!!!!
nothing. the answer is nothing.

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