I’m a Bit Glad Even

Come all the way in a year
To myself, to no more fear; and I know I’m pretty now…

Of fact, I must mention her here, who left a year ago, for whom I already broke my heart – back when I was without a friend and desperately in need of one –
Yeah, I learned a lot in the deep dark,
Singing “Dive in the water’s fine!” while they watched me on camera;
The mental health system kept me alive,
And cannabis gave me comfort when I had none – had no interest in life, when all hurt, and I wanted to die –
Months stuck at home in the mountains alone
Days and mornings Satan would have cowered from – I was Kylo Ren, a real dark, wounded one
Till Rey (The Feminine) saved me
Got sober at 33, after crashing and burning on my own, reborn
Mary Jane > Sarah Jane
LMAO
A bitch-boy no more
Bless my self-respect and the ability to spare my life such ungrateful blameful, shameful loathing as I knew –
And of self-knowing alone I will never open myself their way again
Oh sweet Lawrence
The dogs missed the best of you… (indiscriminate mumbling)… faaaaaaaaccccccckkkkk….
I hope she kisses them once for me,
And I hope she loves her self too,
Always all ways
But not once from me, never again like before, projected Madonna on Magdelane, she was Mary for me
Until the pain of discrepancy withdrew the projection for we (anima, inner-child, hairy-man [shadow]) – SELF sum emerged from the dungeon
Yeah, your boy did some heavy alchemy over thousands of hours spent listening to Lil Peep
And isolated for a long spell, in my loneliness, I magically absorbed her spirit into me, now I evoke her thighs in my bike shorts, her ego in my worth,
But I will never see myself through her eyes again, the thought hurts, lies again
What more can I say, I loved her and love all of me she released –
But she can forget about that friend shit forever
Now I know it is not she but my projection that is dead to me
RIP – I loved Lawrence’s Sarah –
And she changed my life
But I did the work
After I was left for dead, Dantes

Now I’m a Mountain Christ, and even have my own Haydee – fuck me 🀯 – she’s worth at least a few poems to me – but back to We:
I am my sun
And moon
Shopping kmart girls for cheap thrills on lonely nights when I was forgotten,
I courted myself,
And fucked myself too –
Oh, and then there was that part where I actually figured out my philosophy and “spirituality” after I wiped my library of the new age “higher power” sewage in favor of an eternally reccuring universe in an infinite space where Nature HerSelf is God!
SHE, running life like a secret co-ordinating agency,
More intelligent than her Agents:
You and Me
Too dumb to know we are pieces on Her board –
Born of DNA, telos of the big bang
I guess you could say it was then that my life became bigger than one judgy person’s opinion of me
In the end, my projection was cooler
And kind – not nice like her kind
So the letters I wrote went in the archive
Read em when I die
I got no more worshipping of others left in me in this life
Save sweet reminiscences in my memoirs, I’ll write what I write, and your price to pay is exile from the rest of my life –
I already paid mine
And it was almost worth it haha
I kid but I live
Half regretful so many lines were regarding her when I have nothing left to say, but that’s also something to say,
And you’ll never know the price I paid,
Needless to say, it was enough to call her big bluff and blow the worthless toxic bridge for good
It took a year but goddamn it feels good to not relate to her
Guess once you get self-esteem and a loving, healthy relationship with yourself, some people lose the right to live rent-free in your head… as if my love for a lifetime were a worthless thingπŸ€₯
I’m obviously still pissed – bad investment –
All I wanted was her fucking friendship forever!!! DEAD. NEVER. NOT EVER.
So we’ll see who really made the bad investment
LongCon is a petty count of monte cristo motherfucker, I really am
My God How I Love Eternal!
Guess my exes got grandfathered in back when I was just a kid
Now my lovers all Sophies and their souls all trophies
Now healers and yoga teachers opening their hearts, getting high, making love w me
But back when we met I didn’t love me so maybe they just see what I do in me
Or maybe the love she did see helped shine a light in me –
Surely
But now I’m Berner415 cold on one hand and christ-hearted in the other
Tension of opposites, Jung: the older I grow the more you become a brother,
And I the grandfather
Shout to a wise man fuck a wiseman
Told you LongCon petty, yeah I have fun
Don’t worry, no one knows your stupid name
But they will
Though I’m really not vindictive, just petty enough to actually make it big
Come on, you didn’t think I was just some stupid kid, did you?
Even Trumpish David O. knew I would stand on his shoulders and piss on his head
But your peak at 23 had no concern for me
I’m going back 11 years, but it’s a potent healing night
Removing projections left and right
Because there is yet integration to be done
And when it comes to what’s in my shadow, you took a lot of my gold –
I know I’m dialoguing via anima when I use “you” instead of she
But there is only one You and that’s me –
I just need all of me
Including the parts of you that I hid from me when I buried (repressed) she,
Everything I projected when you tried on the 5 CT Tiffany and I wanted you to marry me
How’s the ring? haha I die
Even now I’m doing the work bc it never ends, and in this moment, when I realize my anima is possesed by the projection of my first love
Then I know it’s time for a broader me and a more inclusive self-love
What did I bury with you
Ambition
Because your ambition broke my young heart
So I lost my hunger, but I was given my art (see ‘stages of anima development wiki’)
‘The wound is where the light enters’
It just took a long time: a decade to remove these sutures
I was infected long, walking dead
Now I can’t wait to be the cleanest in the cut again,
(And also, just, to be in the cut again, ahem, hello LA)
But I know I can’t wait for the Lambo to feel like Bruce Wayne
The watch doesn’t make the man
But it helps when you have the love of a curly-blonde Katie Holmes
And you’re really a boss when you know you make her feel at home
And you’re really, really a boss when you’re already prepared to let go as she’s tightening, which makes you happy but you just appreciate her more, and let her breathe, like she needs to, because she likes to need you
(And not the other way ’round)
You see, once you establish your own worth, there’s no fearing what you’re worth, or even doubting
For the best people will always love you –
Kind of fucked how long it took me to learn all this but I wasn’t born with me for a dad, though I wish I had been; however, I was born as me, which is the second best thing,
And maybe the first, I mean, I finally think I’m not even mad –
I’m a bit glad even.

Blueberry Donuts

Rapid succession of saved drafts can’t express what takes away breaths,
Sorry, but I kind of love her
And I’m not just writing this to pat my own back, but let me try
Firstly, how lucky am I –
And she loves me something good too – casually but deep, hard
She, INFP, of uncommon beauty,
Yogini, would anger any Karen in her bikiniπŸ™πŸΌπŸ˜Š,
But her love takes no toll on me,
She is a lilypad charging station
Manipura love // om mani padme hum;
Sticky, wet, sweat, home
There are so many songs I want to play her
‘Mississippi’ and ‘Isolated’,
Rolling through mountain backroads, smoke rolling out the windows: my hand on her dank thigh
Babe obvi smokes as much dank as I
Right happy she is mine for a time
A season as seasons go,
To unwind the energy at the base of my spine,
This is a level 10 love
Kundalini flow –
It was a perfect day,
Her beside me in every way,
How my cup runneth over, oh babe
And I just had another blueberry donut too

Power is the ability to choose how you respond.

There are many ways to see things
Your perspective determines which and how much you will suffer

The quality of your consciousness is the quality of your life:
We are our thoughts – but more importantly, we must live with the feelings our thoughts create

We’re touching the surface now,
Joseph Campbell told us how:

“All the gods and all the devils and all the heavens and all the hells are within you.”
The gavel is yours, a double-edged sword only you wield

How often a sour eye for the world poisons a whole family’s hope –
Only now you’re an adult, and so must own the world you live in

But unless you accept that you have created the life you have,
You’ll never have the power to create the life you want

Because power is the ability to choose how you respond,
And we have always had it, whether we were consciously aware of it or not

This is no heavy weight; you are not here to “take” responsibility,
You are here to take it back

Because only you giveth and taketh away,
For your entire adult life it’s been that way

But now you’re safe, knowing if you didn’t consciously chooose a response,
Its just a reaction anyway

The patient wisdom of the space between stimulus and response, is your coup de grace,
By which you dead all automatic reactions, seperating danger from fear

So develop control of the avatar (response ability) or allow your body to ride you like a horse unto the grave (reactivity)…

Which will it be?

Re-Accessing The Guardian: Inner Child Mind-Dump Vol 1 πŸ™‡πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ§ πŸ’©

I did not receive the programming for peace early on,
Which means neither did my parents, so the cycle went on

Now I’m finally giving me,
What I wanted all along:
The self-esteem and inner-security, oft accordingly passed on,
Based upon the family, into which you were born
And perhaps like me,
You were similarly forlorn,
In not being destined
To be enpowered as something handed down

For we learn young,
Our adult disposition formed earlier than we know,
Out of the impressioned youth,
Into which we grow
“Give me a child till the age of seven, and I will show you the man”, goes the Jesuit maxim,
Spoken by thise who understand,
A way of thinking that’s taught,
Learned secondhand

Scared nervous people,
Raise scared nervous kids,
Lacking the psychological security,
The ‘fortunate’ give theirs
Yes, it’s a class issue,
The socioeconomic status of those from whom you receive your DNA
But birth is not a fair lottery,
And it’s always been that way

Until we can time travel,
We will never have a say,
In the life we were given to,
And what led us to today
So reject the fatalistic resignation,
Which the victim always sees at play
And nurture your nature,
With what you think and say

And neither be afraid to ponder,
The past and the role it played,
Because we have to understand,
Or we make the same mistakes again and again
Yes, I’ll be 35 in a year,
And I’m just now here:
Seeing why I am the way I am,
And how I can change my thinking, to change the way I live

And I know it all goes back to the start,
Inner child, sometimes without dinner child
Whose magical consciousness is full of gifts to give – inner truths
Yet eterneally vulnerable,
To how you feel and live:
Needing the ever present safety and security, like you needed as a child – but from you,
To express through you –
Given that, just imagine,
What the two of you could do:

If you could give him,
The worth he’d want to give to you
For there are no time machines,
But there are centers, containers of consciousness, called archetypes –
Through which we can reprogram the inner you –
And the inner-child, most deserving and pure (Does not mean non-sexual – love, sex, between adults can also be pure :)
Warrants nothing less than a seat at the table, replete with a voice
For he has much to bequeathe unto you, deserves your heart and the power of choice

And we ourselves most should invest here;
For inner child wants the best for us,
Just to share,
In the dreams he can conjure, and the desire to get there;
We ought give the reigns to inner child
– As is their proper inheritence –
But this is not to give license to the puer,
The eternal child, who likes too much to be master of his lair:
Think Peter Pan: he’s rather Lizard brained,
Whereas inner child is now wisened, with access to his guardian and not control over him

It’s a choice distinction,
Between the two
For we want to open to life,
Not be swallowed by its shadow
For that’s what this is about:
Re-accessing the truest part of you,
Who is always there, though sometimes long unbeknownst to you,
For inner child often goes “underground” to protect itself:

As is the case, when we have not made inner child feel safe
And silenced the vulnerability,
Refused our softest-self space
Yes, even inner-child hides in the shadow,
Repressed
In the unconscious,
Without the means to express
For if we don’t listen to our little self, we’ll have neither the wings nor the breath:

To reconnect with us,
And work together on what’s ahead
Focusing on the future,
And not living in the past,
But never forgetting, the rawness of our path:
But what breaks my heart most, is that my inner child is older than I,
Had to face all that without so much as a ‘Self’ – much less a persona to chill behind
Dearest inner child!,
Greatest hero of mine!

Tell me where you want to go,
And I’ll take you to the stars!!
We know I’m sorry, for all those nights spent in bars,
Or behind them,
Once or thrice
You suffered most, through all my vice (fear and self-pity greatest among them)
Betrayed my very heart, and put you in the dark –
Had no time for something I didn’t know held my brightest spark

Till I re-membered you,
Put you back together, and me too,
With compassion for what I never could forget:
The childhood we endured –
You without my strength around,
For so mang years,
When it felt natural to be down
Oh man oh man, we finally made it out – what a mindfuck that was

Till together again at last, a second childhood of sorts,
Me like your adopted dad,
Reunited with my boyhood self –
And I could not be more glad

Nor more surpised to find myself a solid man,
Who knows that without the boy, I could never create such rich, exciting plans πŸ₯°β›΅οΈ

True-True

I remain unknown,
But I am finally known to myself
The pearl of great price at the bottom of my sea took me thirty-four years to reach,
And I grasp the meaning of life in the baby oak leaf fallen on the stoop this morning: tempus aeternum
I am realised, released:
My id no longer riding me like a horse;
My libido, the dragon, now in service of my anima, my heart
Oh how it has broken
These queen pieces on my chess board, all fallen
I could name them – and I used to – but they all know I love them, and no one cares
For what can I, the bard, offer but the intangible, which is always fungible to any but the rarest seer – who is both mythical and mystical –
The she-wolf to this sea-wolf
But my animus incarnation is deceased to many and dying to some,
How slow and painfilled have I wilted on the vine for them
Sour grapes, the lot of lost love…
Yet in others I am sweetness, still ripening – or yet born
And for Dr. Mia GoWell, I am stillborn, D.O.A, R.I.P, nulled
One day she will reverse-moby me,
Say, “I dated him”
And I’ll yawn…
Because through all of this, I trust nature,
Knowing She knows All, timing and purpose too
You see, I’ve been through these cycles, these seasons before,
Ends of chapters and of books in the tome of my life
Cities and loves and always the quiet lonely ends
Only time is easier now
In the midsummer of my life
But I don’t want Fall,
I want Autumn, auctus
Not Summer,
But sagma, to pack and leave
And I soon think I will,
Escape the belly of this whale
Take Blackie to LA
Simplify, succeed,
Need no more succor
Care no more about her everlasting rancor
Be at peace, anchored to the microbiome in my core
Intel-inside, I’ve nothing left to hide
Nature boy, the human satyr,
I’m a lover, the world will see Me later,
Until then, I’ll close my eyes for five or ten,
Just to die and wake again
My Self, My Truest Friend,
Whom I’ll remain faithful to, till the end
Until trillions of years from now, when the Universe and we are born again

How to Survive Vol 1: Self-Love is Our Panacea

Strong enough, you are
To ride the wave of Your Motherf’n Life

Many anxious, lonely, sad peoples…
Much depression in world; great fear, uncertainty, and doubt

But there do be a boss way to move,
Empowered by a self-love that’s more powerful than fear (hadouken!)

Love > Fear

Yet we all fall into the self-doubting insecurity of the LVL 1 crook

When, really, there does exist the strength in you for all of this
And the purpose too

You just don’t know why you’re still struggling,
Why your life isn’t this yet:

But it will be,
Whatever you commit it to being

And oneday, your heart will break for how hard it was on you,
How scared you were

And the sooner the better;
For self-love is our panacea

π“‚€ signal vs. noise

The Goddesses and the Gods sing my song
(La la la la la, La la la la la la, La la la la la, La la la la)
Sirens and The Princes sing my song and they love me;
For when vibrations resonate with their own frequencies,
There is (always) harmony:
It’s how friends, lovers, scoundrels, and fools fall thick as theives

Conversely,
When the energies, archetypes, and their consciousnesses are not aligned and do not resonate, vibrate, or match,
Then there is dissonance,
And things are (always) inharmonious,
Their presence grating on us like a loud motorbike,
And not the calming eye of the gods and goddesses
π“‚€;
People are energetic mirrors,
Reflecting and communicating,
From their surfaces and their depths
Back to our own conscious and unconscious minds,
Creating space
Where something is shared:
The transference of meaning:
The truth of inner and outer sight,
So that from the goddess there emerges the god,
And in the intellect of another, we find our own intelligence,
Which wants no mask,
(tired as it is of not being seen and thus being masked)
For others reflect back their counterparts in us,
And we see ourselves in them
And the stage is set for the players to begin and end

Beauty and The Beast (A Sad Love Story)

Beauty and the beast
I made a pauper of a princess

I was beneath the animals,
Under a mountain of fear;
I wasn’t nearly good enough,
To escape the shame I deserved –
The shame I needed,
So I’m sorry and grateful:
Reconciling these two only humbles me more
But I was never humble before,
So the beauty only ever got the beast,
And not the prince she made me

I told you it was a sad love story
But it’s my favorite, so I’ll keep telling it.

It’s at The Center of The Labyrinth

https://soundcloud.com/wolfwaldoblack/its-at-the-center-of-the-labyrinth/

Self-Appraisal, self-love, this, I say, is the holy grail,
The measure of our worth
For our’s is the only judgement we humans suffer;
We may think we are subject to the opinions of others,
But only insofar as we estimate their worth:
The lion does not lose sleep over the opinion of sheep – but of lions
And all is opinion, whether they be lion or not
It’s the mind that accepts or rejects,
And therein lies the power – to validate or invalidate oneself
For no one can take your dignity unless you allow them, and why would you do that?
Unless you didn’t own yourself, unless the poverty was within.
As above so below, as within so without
I’m here to tell you, we can be thermometers – measuring the external
Or we can be thermostats – controlling the internal
It’s all in the inner-appraisal, in the self-love:
Heaven and hell,
Happy or sad
Worth or worthless
Yes, I know, the way our parents talked to us became our inner voice,
And their parents them
But now, reading this, the poet, the one who points at the moon,
Invites you to re-appraise yourself and decide:
What are you worth and why?
Are the opinions of those who put others down to raise themselves up worth your happiness?
Is the opinion of someone who doesn’t even love you or themselves worth more than your own?
Are you a good person because you think so or because they do?
Do you like yourself because you do or because they do?
Do you not like yourself because you or because they don’t? Are they lions or sheep?
Are you a lion or a sheep?
Answer these and you’ll see the whole hologram – each piece reflecting the mind
Are you whole or is there a hole?
How do you fill it? With what? Why?
What are you looking for? What validation do you need?
Why? Whose? What will it take?
Why are you selling yourself short?
Do you have the same operating system as an adolescent does when their crush does not like them?
Why didn’t they like you? Were they right about you? If not, who gives a shit
What do you not like about yourself? Why? Is it worth your happiness?
Is it even a valid reason to live a lesser existence? (For this is the cost)
My friend, it is high time to remodel your inner-sight, so your values no longer castrate your joy…
And are you shallow? Is this your poverty? Do you wish you looked different?
Are you looking for someone outside yourself to show you how to love yourself?
It’s an inside job, you’ve been told this, they just didn’t tell you it takes courage
Maybe this is why you haven’t gotten it right… I bet you’re ready to…
Ask yourself what will it take, to love YOU while you are alive
It is you – you are The Living One – this is your only life with yourself….
So others didn’t appreciate you – you didn’t either
Drop your cross and polish your goddamn crown; trade your inner burdens for liberation,
Be brave: tell yourself the true stories behind your scars, and in them, you’ll find the understanding and compassion you need to love yourself
Not lust – not love for reasons that aren’t who you are – you deserve love for who you are
Humans need human love, a girl who used to love me told me this
Then she didn’t love me because I didn’t love me, but that’s how it works
Again, it’s an inside job, this inner-appraisal stuff
So it wasn’t passed down to you – they didn’t have it to give!
We live in a society of shitty appraisers, all measuring off some heartless corporate image of self
Look how many worship the orange one – it’s daddy issues as a collective neurosis –
Just like someone with a bad-dad drawn to bad-men, they want shitty daddy’s love
Do you really want that person’s love – because you’ll have to be ugly outside to get it – and even then you’ll find they don’t even have it to give
You need to let go of the love you weren’t given. And you need to understand why they couldn’t give it.
Do you need to look like Kylie Jenner? Or someone else? Is that your estimation of paradise, is that your hell?
Do you value others above yourself?
Do you have a standard of beauty and of worth that you don’t even live up to?
Do you think you even deserve love?
Why the fuck not – this is the grand question
I suspect the answer may have something to do with your position in this great big monkey tribe
For lesser monkeys in real monkey troops also have low self-esteem, owing to their lack of status among monkeys
But are we monkeys? Is the popular girl, the rich hot guy – are these our alpha dogs?
Are they worthy to lead us? Who are we idolizing? Why aren’t we worth that?
Why? What is it we value…
Maybe you’ll find the truth, that society is impoverished for want of shiny values
What’s really worth loving?
Not codependency via love from a surrogate mom or dad as unloving as your own
They didn’t know how… they didn’t have it to give!
Find that place where you want to cry in your compassion for them,
Then give it to yourself
Then share it, it’s true leadership to be full of love, to be secure
This is the courage, the bravery I want you to find
And I want you to design a love for yourself so whole and so deep, that it would require true – worthy of raising your children, worthy of being with you love to match it
Design that love
Deconstruct these false values
Design that love
When you do, and you will,
Then will you find it reflected back in another, but not before
They have to see it
Monkeys and humans are like that
And that’s our problem
So it’s a great big catch-22, where you have to have your license to legally drive to the DMV
But whose permission are you waiting on to love yourself?
And why can’t you give it to yourself?
What are you waiting for?
I’d say it’s you
Only you think it’s an outside power – it’s not
Love is an inner light
And when you have it, no one can cast so much as a shadow over you
This stuff takes work, but you’re going to do it
Because you are worth loving while you are alive
And if you don’t think so, know you will decide to be
I’ve already given you some of what I have, and it’s contagious
It spreads
So let this awareness, this consciousness grow
And never appraise your priceless heart again
Know
You can do it
I’m just the poet, the shaman, pointing at the moon
We don’t need LSD, we don’t need mushrooms, we don’t need anything
Just the courage, to love ourselves despite everything and everyone
Then they have no more power
And you might even consider giving them some of this
It’s the difference – this shift in you – it’s the difference between gas and solar,
Between a finite resource from outside, or an infinite, abundant resource from within
Let love lift you up, it’ll take you all the way
Are you really waiting to die to get into heaven?
Because love is the key, and you already have it, you’ve just let society hide it from you
YOU ARE SO FUCKING WORTH LOVING!!!
Don’t ever wait for someone else to tell you, and don’t ever forget
For this is the power, the kingdom and the glory, forever and ever
(It was never in gods, they just told us to look there)
Be a part of evolution, go ahead
Claim the love they told us to give to god,
But don’t think you have to make yourself a god, that’s just hiding the thing again,
You need to love your most human, temporary, fragile, delicate, precious self
Breathe it in, share it, smile, feel it, return to it
It’s inside of you, they just hid it with some clever oneupmanship over us
But we are the highest
Not as gods,
As humans
LOVING,
CARING
GENTLE
SWEET
SELF-RESPECTING –
For this is the question, will you respect yourself enough to love yourself?
If you can’t yet, get to work, for this is the pearl of great price at the bottom of your ocean
Under all the hocus pocus of religion and spirituality, under all the shame, under all the guilt, under all the pain of your childhood, under years of living with a corporate image of self, there’s a great creature under all of that – don’t let them tell you it’s in the sky, “.. or the birds will proceed you”
It’s here and now, and it’s your’s. Claim it.
For there is no other best version of yourself than that which loves yourself as a child, not of god, but of yourself – so stop trying to be god, you don’t need to be god to love yourself, that’s a trick.
We’ve fallen for it long enough, don’t you think?
And I’m not suggesting we go backwards, beneath the gods, but forwards, above them, past them, beyond them;
For we are the only gatekeepers in this vast universe
Let yourself in, the door is open.. the door is you

I promise, you won’t find it anywhere else, for it is nowhere else to be found, don’t let them tell you it is.

The only way out is in. It’s at the center of the labyrinth. This is the way home. Here. Now. You. Love.

Time Machine

We begin at twelve, in the the library,
Where I ask me to remember me
So that later, we can pick up my fifth grade dreams of solo sailing the sea

Then, at twenty-two, on the beach
I’d tell me not to forget my inner security
Which I am fated to externalize and lose twice more
For it was never instilled in me

Until now, returning to thirty three
Where I tell myself I am equally free,
To pursue beauty,
Knowing I am still me
And will always be