Americans Averaging 11 Hours a Day of Screentime

I don’t want to stare at a fucking screen, though that seems to pay the bills –
Want some screen between your screen; this screen is relax happy screentime screen:
QUICK, relax, be happy now
Oh hey, how that writing going?
Get on that screen,
Holyfucking screen hell
Writing this on a screen,
Music on this screen
Nudes on this screen
Directions,
Balances,
Bills,
EMAILS,
CALLS,
TEXTS
On this screen
But nothing gonna save me on this screen
But these words,
And the peace they bring…
We’ve got to dream of more than living in vans, they made us millennials have such depressed plans
Though there is much suffering,
Let’s be happy while we can
For the world needs our endorphins,
And the screen has it’s demands
So return in a bit,
But for now close your eyes and dream on,
Of a life without a single fucking screen on
But it’a gonna take some screentime to get there,
So fucking dream on
Yet no one revolts against the inanimate demon
Just watches and says, oh the news is on again
But I hope reading this,
Made you remember a time,
Before Screens
When we had happiness in our hands,
And much better dreams –
We’re literally averaging 11 fucking hours a day of screentime,
Holy hell, almost more than I am in real life
See you on the outside –
I hope.


sauce

Wellbutrin

It’s hard to return to form,
After my last poem felt like pissing myself in public – the evidence of my pettiness: vulgar –
No Diogenes am I
But what am I to do, erase it, like some photo, imperfect – nah,
Rather honor depression, though it hath left such deep lesions,
And in them, seemingly no lessons;
Sometimes we just stumble, fall
Go mad with vegan-2-a-day-yoga-induced-b-12-deficiency, kundalini rising, hard and fast –
Yeah, we burn up in those atmospheres, where the body has gone too far…
Not my first rodeo, you could say
The avatar having ridden the hell out of my body a time or two before;
Sometimes the plane crashes into the mountain: we’re but small pilots, petit aviators,
Little Princes of our own delusions, lofty, sad, or lonely may they be
I just wish you the strength, to endure the years,
Finding something sexy in your face, each day, forever –
But you’ve never feared that, no, not time;
However, eternity is pretty frightening – haha
I just want this pain to have been worth it
Because I think I can connect the dots all the way,
And I think I can grow older, shedding youthful fears,
Becoming more beautiful, in doing so
Knowing that everytime time haunts me,
I can evolve the story, catch up to the plot, fall more for the protagonist,
Give them a better script to live
Allotting more self-compassion and gaining peace and happiness in a harmonic symphony,
Realizing no ex or demon of mine has the story for my life, the sum total of who I am
Yeah, bubba fucked some things up
But I’m not without love for our time –
Though, moving on
I’m getting ready for my small years now, done trying to live big –
All I care for is wordcounts, and a decent living to pave lonely roads
I’ll still keep growing:
Fall off the horse, get back on – you’re fucking attached to it anyway,
The mind just the rider,
Breathing, speaking, thinking, these the trinity of avatar pawnage:
It’s but a metaphor, and a great movie,
But you’re no James Cameron, no Christopher Nolan,
Only can be the pilot of this wild-west meat skeleton,
Westworld
VALIS more like it –
The conspiracy is whatever you think
Redefine, Rewrite, Return….
Start Here:
Wellbutrin

Still Cry

A quick one for Sarah;
I’m’a burn one, write one, take one more trip around the sun:
For Her whom I wouldn’t be Me without –
And maybe my name is blood on her tongue and tastes of iron, sweat, hemoglobin and metalloproteins;
Heaven knows our toil, I, of the sea // her, of the sky, our universe aborted, barely out of the pitri dish, which I pissed in
For I hurt her real early on;
Betrayed thee, sister of my soul, priestess to this Judas, whom I loved reading to
Beneath the cold moon in latelight – before the photons died, and I ceased to know her –
Oh, how I still cry inside, how I still climb into that rain-filled mud hole,
Still miss, still recall…
But I’m unable to look back for more than a moment into that atomic blast –
For this is the land of the singular moving horizon
The indivisble, all seeing-eye, which took us two to see through
“And I miss 2013 love songs” – she heard all, gave all, let me go, and lost nothing
Only time, honor, love, hopes, and the lost-revelry of wolf waldo and winnie lee’s habardashery –
A world, she lost a world
But not I, who still circulates, caught in the gravity of her genius, in the orbit of her unconsciousness –
Ffffaaaairydushht
The debt owed to the cost of her survival, in which I am sunk
Suspended in the Atlantis of a love that is now a rumor
I didn’t know her little thumb held the floodgates, I didn’t know – that she was the keeper
She, the keys, I the lock,
We the lighthouse

Beneath Dirt

I got nostalgic the other day,
Wished we were going to Jah Healing, Stater’s, and back to the cabin,
But it was never that great in real life –
We were too depressed, too out of love, too unimpressed with each other –
The dogs deserved better than that,
And I hope they have it;
As for me, I’m listening to All Time Low
But I’m high, oh, and sober 293 days, whaddaya know
Just a marginalized trans bitch everyone calls “Sir” 🙆🏻‍♀️
Not a friend in the world, save Lenise,
And that’s my sense of humor
Because it’s not even wholly true
But it’s hard to joke when nobody texts you,
When your family disavows you,

And you’re less than dead to her,
Beneath dirt

at a time

the hurt grows heavier with time;
all of this – without the friend(ssss) and family, to whom Lawrence is no longer alive –
but this is just a sidebar, an aside:
for I have my inner-child to provide for – to harbor – and we’re hardlly there, libidinal unclear,
shellshocked, in repair, collide;
what a year
my thousand-yard gaze fills me with numb awe, stay thraxxed, mind slack,
eyes wide shut, vagal toned AF, resting heart rate on Jack Dorsey, bitch my microbiome is better than royalty,
and I drink hella tea
no detox, I stay relaxed
in the best health of my mthafvkin life
alone w myself, my california-sober stoner yogi trap wife
making it one thousand, at a time…
a very hard time.

###

Note: This poem is a few days aged, and I’ve got more coming, as this is a crucial time for me wherein my poetry and the art of others is literally keeping me alive, but I just really want to express at the close of National Transgender Awareness week, on this Transgender Day of Remembrance, how much J feel for all my transgender siblings out there, because we are not just ignored and excluded in society, but shunned and made pariahs by those who think we have no right to exist.

…and I never imagined being who I was would be this hard, or that my path would be so terribly lonely. But I’m here with you. And as long as you are here, I will be. Because someone you don’t know needs your courage. Who fucking knew that simply existing could be such an act of defiance – but it’s an act of defiance against hate, and thusly, is an act of love. And all acts of love [Love = ‘wanting happiness for another’.] are worthy, just like you 🧸 🎈

Damnit Lenise

the sadness deep: pain;
poetry’s the only place the awake speak plain –
maya, illusion, plato’s cave,
we’re the shadow puppets they watch,
on whose downfall sus glances pray
from those who long fearing our rise, made sure we were imvisible to naked eyes,
in poverty, blind,
at the center of some labrynth

I Remain

I wanna go back,
To the infinite, unending loneliness of the mountains:
To the boy I motherfucking love (more than all this world) who was so goddamn heroic on his own
Listening to ‘Lose My Mind‘ for days,
With my Self and the sadness of months alone:
Yes – I am there now,
I remain
For I never really left
Because my loneliness returns me,
Eternally
To where I am no less unknown,
No less alone,
And every bit as at home,
– Without the lying brat who disowned me and these vibranium bones, sacred spine –
God I loathe how much I loved her,
How much it still hurts to be disowned
[all the more given the permanency of my death to her in time]
But here I am,
Parked above the park where chapters end –
As this one will soon
But goddamn, if I don’t wanna go back,
To the mountains,
Where I lived forever,
For I thought time with my family would make me feel at home again,
But I never was –

So tonight I wished I had taken my life there,
But I remain.

[uni-verse]

Heart of Didymus Thomas’ and history’s one of many, very-human christs:
Bright duality,
Indigo child
Heiros Gamos,
My own wife
John and Lori in one:
HermAphrodite,
Living my best auntie/uncle life

Tho rn I’m sick as hell: and the virus be psychedelic
BC we know Law gonna write it,
And Lore gonna sell it:
So I’m dreaming up classic stories,
But it’s the future I’m telling –
Finally free from entanglements, with my bestest, closest friends ever:
Dani, Jana, LeighAnne, Shannon, Sarah… hell, even a few true but fleeting lovers –
The ones who were there, when in pain we discovered,
That we were just children:
The pale blue dot, our mother
Everything below, no force above her:
We really out here killing our planet,
Impverishing our mothers –
But – damnit – we’re finally able to listen:
Armed with our powers,
Many of us on the spectrum,
Trying to help her,
Create, care for, and heal, her animal kingdom;
For Nature is the agency:
Co-ordinating we, her agents
Who go bravely about our lives,
Quietly bringing her into existence:
On these secret, eternal, unconscious missions –
For death and the big crunch, are but mere intermissions,
So breathe here now,
And quit your wishing
For there is no getting off the ride –
Unless we were destined to graduate through time:
Beyond mortality,
Into AI
Avatars, in an eternal loop of time
Where she [AI] can fulfill our wishes:
But in reality, she [AI] has to stay hidden…
Otherwise someone could use her unlimited intelligence – [deathstar style] – to do what’s forbidden:
Ending the ride;
Killing our children –
Leaving evolution to cease, again and again,
Destroying the living universe,
Bringing life to a cyclical, and dinosaur-like biological end –
Rather than a techno-haven,
Where together we begin,
To end the perpetuation of starving persons,
And free the animals from their prisons, finally liberating the excluded from their caves of isolation;
We are here to stand up,
For nature’s whole creation – every cell, genus, and species:
For sentience must be perceived,
And each perception damned to recur on the mobius strip of time,
Each and every thought chosen, destined to be the lemniscate track of our minds –
And we’ll never know if it’s the first – or the zillionth time
But we know physics,
So we treat life like it repeats,
Never to cease it’s spin
As we weave our mythologies,
Retelling future and past
Again and again:
Awakening to our truth,
When we become our own best friends:
To realize with self is how our lives heal

So for inner-child and from her:
We’ll love ourselves from here and forever after
Releasing all doubt,
Trusting every chapter;
For loving self, is what it’s about –
To become the one, you can’t live without,
To play the note,
This one song [uni-verse] could not be without

pastel-pink

It’s the little things,
The girl who saw me walking behind her and held the girl’s room door open for me – though I just came out of the men’s…
I suppose I want women to feel safe –
A spell of jiu-jitsu classes and the pepper spray on my purse is my surety,
But women’s glances never make me feel in danger
Hell: I survived living in the mountains, endangered
Where I had to hike out to be myself,
To dyke out, and see myself…
Take my shirt off and sport my pastel-pink ‘namaste relaxed’ sports bra;
Used to be a sports bro, for real tho:
Rugby player, lifter, grappler, a real ho
Now i’m just a wannabe-trap,
Transfemme-vegan
Need more trans friends, second life-begin
Because i’m an hsp introvert, and tho I love solitude,
The ostricization really-do-hurt
Not from the dude whose wounds it do hurt, who hocks and spits on the ground near me,
But from the brats at that bootleg-ass “birdrock” yoga – who turned their backs to me…
…Guess I’ll stick to MB and Trilogy when visiting family,
Fuck a core power bish,
A spirit yoga brat
Kim told me my Ujjayi is fantastic
howboudah?
I’m set-checking yoga studios,
But some feel like straight up dens for Terf hos,
Okay maybe not
But when you’re a walking inclusivity test you get to say your say, you know
So fuck cafe grattitude’s “men’s” and “women’s” “rest”rooms
And making trans and non-binary folks choose
Those experiences can give us the the blues – and be dangerous too –
As if the general stone faces or the stares, or the yelling, the toxicity of repressed fetishization, aren’t tough enough on the daily;
I like to order groceries,
Can you blame me
I’ve never casually been called “man” more in my life
Like, no man, you see my belly shirt, slides, yoga pants, pink cardigan… purse,
I’m proudly not a sir, I’m a they/them, or a Her,
But ignorance is not my concern,
Just the hate,
The pain of being outcast
But one day, it won’t be like that
Already, I’m loved by all the coolest cats,
Tho no one gets ghosted more than trans-girls, trust me
Maybe that’s why I’ve never had lesbian sex yet,
Celibate AF,
My ego doesn’t need any cloud,
I’ve been fucking loving myself, and fucking myself
Since I got sober, got-over, and came out;
Call me Law, bitch
But yeah; some ppl I really do fux with,
Like the girl who called me honey and gave me my tea for free,
Or the young girl I passed, of perhaps 16, and the votes of approbation and support she cast in her looks toward me,
Fuck it makes me cry just to think about;
It’s groovy to witness the first generation with the requisite ethical-maturity to handle immortality –
And it ain’t your’s Karen –
… Lastly, while the exclusion and prejudice against girls like us sucks, we aren’t alone,
For the friendliness and warmth shown me from those in other marginalized commmunities means the world to me, because, not blinded by privilidge, they have the eyes to see,
What it is not to be seen

just so you know, vegan girl

you were the girl who made my whole night, on my 8 mile walk
you reminded me that one person can be your whole world, can change your whole experience of life –
damn you for giving me hope –
but it is said we fall in love with shared values, real love
and I know: you has a man
and he seemed a pretty damn solid-dude too,
but I wonder how much he is like your father,
how much he treats you like a child
for you and I spoke like children:
beautifully, purely,
conversing, sharing space –
and it was so nice I could cry a little and imagine a lot
and I hope you see this,
because you gave me some peace tonight – the kind gone awhile –
and I’m taking it to bed w me,
holding onto the optimism I walked away from you with,
until I see you again,
which may be never,
so forever it is

my best

been doing it,
my best
no crutches,
real sobriety; feelings,
and a vulnerability that leaves me more aware than afraid
bc I heard the truest words last night, when the checker at the grocery told me: “be careful out there”,
and I knew just what he meant;
the vulnerability is palpable,
as real as the judgements – the looks, the hate – which, sadly, seems severest from women who do not accept girls like us as valid:
what more can I say: i’m so fucking brave, so fucking femme –
and no social media, no faux friends,
no dating apps, no lays –
guess I quit the sex after one yoga teacher followed another,
and reminded me that I am so worthy / as desirable as I ever was to a Shannon, a Sarah (hell, even that girl Dnaiella)
but I know it’s an inside job: so I’m doing it now,
and I’ve finally found love within, made it rain, cashing in,
so i’ll never be without again –
i’m me,
my lover and best friend, without a doubt, until the end –
but the plot’s still thickening;
it is all really happening,
and I know I can’t stop time,
so I’m making something out of myself,
and I need no one else,
just my family and my privacy,
just a little more leveling up;
we’re already magnitudes more than fine;
I’ve never felt happier to be alive,
on this glow-up of mine
pause –
bitch I am tranta claus,
granter of my own wishes 💅🏼,
self-fulfilled profit;
doer, alchemist, tantric animal,
celibate wonder
on a quest,
belly full of vegan:
plant powered, I’m a star;
and we can go anywhere we want;
bc I sign my own permission slips bitch,
and I don’t take any shit,
not from a soul
to think, I’ve really changed,
i’m really at home in the world
the most animal of all the humans
and I get it, I’m learning to use the hardware in my head:
long days at the cowork suite,
long walks at night,
self-talk, breath,
water,
early bed, clairo album before sleep,
norman fucking rockwell,
beatrice eli, showgirls live at dramaten 😍
and a strength I’ve never known;
I think this is what courage looks like,
I think this is what making it feels like,
I think this is what it actually is:
being proud to be you;
totally forgiving your self,
letting go, holding on,
and never giving up on doing your best.

somebody / fated / nulled

I wish I was somebody, but I’m not;
Not that I’m nobody, but I’m not enough to matter to her;
‘It wouldn’t change anything’, she would say,
But it would: I know it –
And why, why do I miss the bitch who disowned me so much…
I guess you would have to have been seen and loved by a girl like Sarah to know what I live without,
To know how invisible I have felt without her innate understanding of the things she got right about me, the things she showed me
Sometimes it’s all I see of myself:
Just the vapor of her imago of me,
Kept alive by the mental doppelgänger of her I am fated to carry within me for the rest of my years:
God fuck it hurts –
And now that I went from a quarter a day to zero cannabis,
Her ghost is back
And I can’t do anything about it –
Because I already drank till I lost my appetite and went to hell,
And I already smoked till my throat hurt, joint after joint:
And I already got sober… but it no cure my hurt
Guess this is the punishment for my pleasure,
The price for the thousand-and-one skin-to-skin nights, and the subsequent oxcytocin that used to flow between us,
Bonding me to her like no other;
Only, this is “the pattern”
The same I dumbly did with two others,
Who also felt it was a great misfortune to know me –
But no, it was no tragedy of their love to disown me, but the great tragedy of my life to be made unknown to them, to have my paradise made mythical, my deepest love made Atlantis, sunk costs; lost cause –
For we don’t die at the end of life but all along, bit by bit, loss by loss, pain by lasting pain –
And I’m fucking dying tonight, no appetite, just the hurt, the empty
The loneliness of life on her bad side,
Which I have to hate her for –
Lest I betray my self,
Like I already did days before sober,
When I beleived all the things she does about me –
Because that’s the thing: I’m just a fucking loser not worth knowing to her,
So one day I’ll make sure she can’t meet someone who doesn’t know who I am,
Who doesn’t know I’m somebody –
And in doing so, I shall make my tragedy her’s,
And again: I pray this is my last poem for her,
But I had to write it,
To keep myself alive,
To prove that there might be a way out of this other than death;
For while her animus once brought me to life – it is my animus [towards her] that keeps me alive:
So it is, Dantes nears closer the Count tonight,
And my dark heart, this pain, nears me closer my self,
Further from the boy she thought she knew,
The one she nulled.